This is not easy, and the Lord knows that. He doesn’t promise a life of ease and filled only with happiness. He does promise a life saved by grace and filled with joy, should we accept it.John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

I can see how God’s hand was at work in our lives from the moment we found out we were expecting this little life. December 22nd, well before any legitimate and trusted pregnancy test should ever have come back positive by the books and industry standards, we got a positive test. An internet cheapie dip stick strip test came back with the most faint of faint positives, but it was there, and it brought such great joy from the moment it appeared. I almost didn’t believe my eyes. Looking back now I know that God was so good to us and gave us every single moment humanly possible to rejoice over this new life. At just 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant we knew we were expecting a sweet blessing from above. That is just unheard of. Some tests claim to know 6 days before your missed period, but even then the fine print says in so many words it is not that reliable and waiting until after a missed period is usually recommended before testing. God is good, all the time.

Several weeks went by and we were getting ready to set up the proper prenatal appointments for our new baby. I scheduled with my favorite OB who cared for us during the pregnancy for Taylor, we would be seen at 10 weeks on February 6th in the afternoon. I couldn’t wait to see our OB and rejoice over the good news with her and start the prenatal care process again.

Meanwhile, our good friends at Options needed a model for their ultrasound tech and we of course were happy to have a chance to take a peek at our little baby. We were in awe of how sweet our little one was already wiggling all around giving us quite the show. Hands, feet, belly, heart, head, nose, everything was there and in great health. Heart beat was strong at 171bpm. Our hearts grew double in size that day to make room because we had fallen in love with what would be our second child. We thank God for the opportunity to meet our little one at just 9 weeks along. To have had such an amazing scan with so much detail (being an early scan, we didn’t expect what we were able to see).

Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

See, God was working us up to this point all along. He knew when I started working with Options for the boutique that it wasn’t me who would be helping Options, it would be Options who would help me. Isn’t that always the case when you volunteer? We end up being the ones changed and helped rather than the other way around? Funny thing is, you never actually volunteer to get help…it’s always because you see a need and have the answer. God is so much greater than our simple human minds. I’m sure he is grinning down on me now with an all knowing smile and thinking something like “yes my child, I knew all along”. I just love Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

So here is where it gets real. Not that it hasn’t been real so far…but you know what I mean… I signed a release form to have my ultrasound results sent to my favorite OBs office. The results came back completely normal and all was clear (yay). Easy enough, right? Wrong. Upon sending the results over I was informed by a sweet friend of Options that the office I was using supported elective abortions and was heavily involved with the abortion clinic in Greenland, NH. This rocked my world. How could the two places collide? An office that promises to take care of mother and child through the pregnancy is moonlighting and performing life ending abortions by choice on the other end? I had pictured my pregnancy with my favorite OB, had envisioned labor at the same hospital. I was devastated.

Proverbs 16:9 “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

I’m a planner, (yes God, laugh it up, you created me this way, I’m your little “planner”!!) and for me having a game plan set in place before doing anything is important. So here we are 9.5 weeks in and a total game changer is thrown at us. Need to find a new OB and that means a change in hospitals as well. We call around and find the only office locally who does not have staff who support or perform elective abortions and they deliver at Wentworth Douglass. Hurdle jumped, now to just acclimate to the new climate. We set up an appointment for their first available time. February 19th. Oh did that appointment feel light years away. I would be 12 weeks by the time I had my first OB prenatal appointment! Regardless we hunkered down and counted the days away until we could finally meet our new doctor/midwife.

Remember how I said this is where it gets real? Well let me explain why. God is amazingly good to us:
-Had we stayed with our original doctor we would have had an appointment for 10 weeks.
-We would have heard the healthy strong little heart beat of our baby.
-We would have checked out just fine and been sent on our merry little way not to return for another 4-6 weeks.
-Our child stopped growing one week after that appointment would have been.
-We wouldn’t have found out until the next appointment at 16 or more weeks that the pregnancy had ended.
-There were no signs, no symptoms, no notice of anything wrong at all. No spotting, no cramping, nothing.
-At 12 weeks or so it is normal for most of the fist trimester “symptoms” to disappear all together. So had what little symptoms I had begun to disappear due to the loss I would have never known the reason was that, it would have just been the normal stage of pregnancy in my mind.
-Since we changed doctors our new first appointment date was set for February 19th, 12 weeks 1 day along.
-According to the ultrasound our baby’s tiny heart most likely stopped just days before. Days. Not weeks. God let us know the very moment humanly possible that we were expecting this little bundle of joy, and he let us know as soon as possible after our baby died.
-He didn’t let us suffer longer than needed, or postpone the news.
-He didn’t give us false hope with an initial healthy checkup.
-We didn’t have false pretenses that “everything was ok”, and we got to meet our sweet little baby by ultrasound.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I’m not a fan of ultrasounds. I like to have as little done as possible. If the 20 week gender/systems scan is all that is needed then I’m perfectly happy with that one scan being done. I especially would never pay for additional scans unless deemed medically necessary. It’s just my preference.

However, this time it was different. It was more than just the opportunity to see our baby pro bono, I could feel the Lord tugging on my heart to get the scan done. Don’t you hate when you can feel that little tug? That tug we all know we have to respond to or we will be missing out on something amazing (because God’s plan is ALWAYS amazing)? What a shame when we ignore that tug and we know very well we should be following His call. We miss out on some of the most amazing moments life has to offer. This moment was one of them.

Had I ignored the tug I would not have the wonderful first meeting memory of our sweet baby. I would not have had even a photo of our little angel growing in my womb. Yes, the pregnancy would still be real, yes the baby would have still been real, but God knew I would need these photos. God knew I would need these moments to hold on to. God knew. So he tugged. He always knows why when he tugs, we just don’t always follow.

So this is how we can find joy and peace through this difficult time. We are so thankful for such supportive friends and family who have rallied around us and lifted us in prayer. We thank God for each and every one of you. We praise Him for all that he has done, will do, and is currently doing. We hope that our story of sorrow and loss can be one of great joy in the end.

1 John 5:4 “For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.”

** Post from February 20, 2014