One of the most difficult things to recover after being manipulated/abused is trust. It is amazing how quickly trust can be lost; and how losing trust doesn’t just affect the one thing that made you lose it in the first place, instead it touches pieces of your entire outlook in life in different ways. Take for example the child that comes across a bees nest and as a result gets stung. This child might very well become afraid not only of being stung again, but of all bees, maybe even all flying insects, and possibly the outdoors all together.
This might sound irrational but really it is a very natural flow of response after trauma. The paranoia/mistrust that follows trauma is different from that which occurs as a psychiatric disorder in that it stems from somewhere. It also doesn’t manifest itself in the way that a disorder would which generally presents itself as a false reality (ie someone is believing they are someone that they are not, or that they are being monitored by an outside source constantly etc.). Trauma creates a learned behavior as the mind has learned to perceive life as dangerous and people as manipulative.
When someone is recovering from the trauma of a manipulative/abusive relationship their trust is often times destroyed, and is not just destroyed in regards to not trusting their abuser, but rather not trusting people or events that seem similar to their trauma all together. It takes a lot of work for survivors to rebuild trust and get to a place where they are able to see things for what they really are: that not all people are manipulative/abusive and not all situations will lead to such trauma as they have previously experienced.
This being said it seems clear that there is hope for learning new behaviors and thoughts that lead us to freedom as survivors of abuse.
Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
Isaiah 26:3 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”
I think one really important piece of having trust restored is to examine just how the betrayal has effected your relationship with God and the trust you have in Him. How do we begin to trust God again when we have been abused/manipulated? One day at a time. One moment at a time. One choice at a time.
It can be very scary to step out in faith and begin to learn how to trust again and I think the best place we can start is with God. Learning to cling to His promises that he makes us and believing them to be true despite our own mistrust and past traumatic experiences. I think it is also helpful to recognize that the way people treat us does not have a direct relation to how our Heavenly Father treats us. In order to begin to restore our trust in the Lord we need to recognize He is not unjust, He has our best in mind, and abuse is not in His character. In fact he hates abuse.
If you are in an abusive relationship or you are an abuser yourself I would encourage you to seek help. There are many resources available to both abusers and the abused.
Below are some great places to start if you would like to learn more about abuse and the effects it can have on others, who you are in Christ, and why abuse is not of God.
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/facing-crisis/qa-abuse-and-addiction/my-spouse-is-abusive
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/knowing-who-you-are-in-christ
Father, we thank you that you are deeply in love with us as your children. That you are tender and compassionate beyond what some of our life experiences have modeled for us. Thank you that you are trustworthy and that you have our best in mind. Sometimes it is difficult to fully trust in you, but that is exactly what we want to be able to do so would you empower us to take the steps needed in order that we may fully trust you? Show us if there is anything within us that is keeping us from you and from trusting you more each day. Give us opportunity to trust you more and help us to see the opportunities as they are given to us. We lay down our fleshly nature that has been damaged by those around us either by abuse or manipulation or a combination of both. Help us to see our abusers as your children too and help us to pray for them and encourage them in ways that only you can do! In Jesus name, Amen.
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