It’s an odd season of life here right now. I feel like I’m in the great in-between of it all. There’s new growth happening with the Online Bible Studies blossoming into groups for both men and women, morning and evening. Taking UnapologeticallyHis from very feminine (and very pink because I like pink) to a new chapter of neutral so we can include the guys who want to be a part of this journey. It’s exciting and scary at the same time.

As this growth happens and changes are made, I realize I’m very much living in the tension of leading the way on one hand and preferring to not be the leader on the other. I feel the ebb of great ideas rising up to pioneer this new landscape and the flow of fear pulling away the excitement of it all. Underneath the veil of fear are these nagging thoughts that bully me. You’re not good enough. Why do you think you have something to say? Why should you lead that? At the end of the day these thoughts are ultimately correct in the sense that apart from Christ I am nothing! Apart from God I don’t have anything to say. As far as leading something, I have no desire to lead. What I do have is a yearning to be obedient to Christ and follow through with the good work he has set forth for me to do while I am here on this Earth.

I have fought this battle for many years at this point. I can pinpoint when these beliefs crept in. I can remember the faces of the people who said these things to me. I have walked through prayer for healing and restoration of these moments and yet, these thoughts still accuse me and bully me from time to time. I have let these negative thoughts shut me down time and time again. They have even kept me from writing like I once did. It breaks my heart to look at how many draft posts are in waiting here because, for so many years, I have found myself stuck under the oppression of what a few people said. I love that, a few people. It’s as though I forgot how many OTHER people there are in the world and put what these few people said on a pedestal that directed my life. When I write it out like that I’m really faced with some blunt truth. I gave power to a few negative people, so much power that it actually stifled something that brings me great joy, my writing.

You might be reading this and thinking, “Why is she sharing this here?”. I share it for a few reasons. One is to break the cycle of not posting. Another is because I’m not afraid of being vulnerable and sharing the inner battle I struggle with when it comes to walking out my calling in Christ. It’s all great and fine when people pull it all together and are polished and poised. In fact, I love that for them! I myself haven’t found that to be the way my walk with the Lord has been. I find myself muddling around in the muck of self-doubt and insecurity much more than I would like to admit, and yet admitting it means the enemy loses power in that stomping ground – so that’s what this post is. Letting light into the darkness. Hopefully it will encourage you along your journey to know that there’s another woman out here who loves Jesus and doesn’t have it all together.

This new year, I’m asking the Lord for a fresh filling of his Holy Spirit. To guide and direct me and teach me how to follow Him even when I’m being bullied. To make his voice louder than the voices of the past. To help me to respond to him quicker each day. To have freedom in writing again and to release the fear when it crops up. Cheers to pressing “publish” more often this upcoming year and to sharing the stories of what God is up to in our lives and others. No more hiding under the bushel it’s time to live fully.